Category Archives: Ramblings

The Noticeboard Daily

When I was 17 years old, I wrote for the student newspaper at Varndean Sixth Form College in Brighton. It was called The Bernard, after Bernard Butler from Suede. We were never sure how this happened. It was edited by a nice chap called Tom, who probably ended up going to a fancy university and being incredibly successful. My friend Rob and I took it upon ourselves to squeeze as much puerile, pointless and irrelevant bullshit into the magazine as possible. Tom was too nice to stop us, but you could see the conflict behind his eyes. He clearly envisaged a proper student newspaper with politics, poetry, reviews and so on. We submitted reviews of ‘Alco-fish’, exposes of radiation leaks from the photocopier in the library and hastily drawn posters of tiny mammoths scaling daisies. He must have hated us. But, he was nice and a bit posh and he let us get away with it.

Fast forward fifteen years. Tom is probably editing the Times or something. I dunno, I can’t remember his surname. I am still producing puerile bullshit for no money, but now describing it as political satire. Somewhere out there, a new generation of Toms is bunkering down and preparing to overtake those of us who spent our youth properly, with drugs and that.

Well, it’s happening already. I’ve been tracked down on social media and talked into contributing to a political commentary website by someone who should really be sitting in the park taking acid and drinking cider. I’ve never met him and know nothing about him, but I suspect he’s nice and a bit posh, will go to a fancy university and will be wildly successful in 15 years while I continue producing puerile bullshit for no money. Feel free to visit The Noticeboard Daily and mutter bitterly about the precociousness of youth. I’ve got a cartoon on there (also below), plus you can write abusive comments under an article written by a Tory MP.

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Letter to a Lord Ignored


Looks like Lord Birdseye had his fish fingers crammed firmly in his ears over the past week, going against the public, the health professions and democracy by voting with the government and helping the NHS bill become law. I’ve not had a reply to my letter yet, but I’m going to give him another few days and then send him another, then another, then another. I’ll probably send him a few emails too. Maybe sign him up to some mailing lists. I’m sure we’ll end up being good friends.

I know this Adopt-a-Lord scheme is expensive – it only costs a few quid a month to adopt a snow leopard – but now we’ve sold off the NHS, we might as well get our money’s worth. We may not get things like accountability, democracy and a welfare state, but look at what your Lord Adoption Pack DOES contain! As well as your own cuddly toy Lord (see above for mine), you receive a booklet of interesting facts about your Lord (don’t worry your pretty head though, there’s nothing as scary and complicated as a Risk Register), you get to hear regular updates about developments in your Lord’s village, PLUS you get a voucher for 50% off the Liberal Democrats at the next election!

Remember, we’ve already paid the price, so to adopt a Lord you do not need to pay any more. Just send them a letter. Then another. Then another. Don’t send them emails though – the Lords have spent many years living away from the influence of the modern world and we need to work together in order to preserve their unique, traditional way of life.

If you need inspiration to decide which Lord to adopt, you may like to try here. You’ll need to select the 2010/12 Session and the 19th of March 2012 to see how they voted on the Health and Social Care bill.

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Letter to a Lord

The older I get, the more letters I seem to write to MPs and Lords. I’m not sure if this is entirely due to the ravages of age, or if it’s just that I enjoy getting multiple identical responses from Gerald Kaufman’s intern. I do have a thing for House of Commons notepaper, maybe this could explain it. I stole some once when on a tour of the House of Commons at the age of 16. Always intended to use it to cause an international incident, never got around to it. Anyway, here’s a letter I’m about to post to Lord Greenway. Apparently the correct way to address the letter is to “The Lord Greenway”. As opposed to just any old Lord Greenway, I suppose. Incidentally, should you want to pester a Lord, you can do so using this.

Dear Lord Greenway,

I am writing regarding the Third Reading of the Government’s Health and Social Care Bill. I have attempted to research your current views on this bill, but have not found anything conclusive and so beg your forgiveness if we are already of the same opinion.

There are many faults with the bill, which have been widely debated in the press and which I will not waste your time with here: I am sure you are already well aware of the implications. However, the elements of the bill that I consider to be dangerous will be seen by some as being desirable. While I believe in a National Health Service, there are some who believe a privatised system to be the superior system. While I believe that healthcare should be equally available to all, there are some who believe that the quality of care should depend on the amount one is able to spend. I do not expect the opinions of either side will ever change. However, one principle that I would hope both sides share is that of democracy.

The Government entered Parliament under a promise that they would not attempt a top-down reorganisation of the NHS. Instead, they are attempting to shoehorn this convoluted, labyrinthine, Trojan Horse of a bill through Parliament. The medical establishment are against this bill, the public are against this bill. The only people in support of this bill, so far as I can see, are those who will profit from it. If the Government wishes to privatise the NHS, they should not do this through stealth. They should go to a General Election, laying their plans before the public. The debate should be had before the public eye and the public should have the option to decide for or against this dramatic change to their health service.

I believe that the duty of the House of Lords is to protect our democracy. The second chamber exists to provide checks and balances against the first. If ever checks and balances were necessary, it is now. I beg you to attend the vote on the 19th of March and vote against the Bill receiving the Third Reading. If you do not feel you can go this far, I beg you to vote to defer a final decision until the risk register has been released. In short, I beg you to use your vote to ensure the National Health Service remains in the hands of the British people, rather than in the hands of multinational private health companies.

On a final, personal note, I would like to tell you about my grandfather, Jim Turner. He was in the Navy during and following the war and was stationed in and around Singapore. He was always of the opinion that the best thing to come out of the war was the founding of the NHS, that it was an example of something truly worth fighting for. These days, few of us have to physically fight to protect the things that make Britain great. When institutions like the NHS are threatened however, we must fight with whatever means are available to us. You have a far greater power to influence the course of events than I and so I implore you to use your vote.

With hope and the kindest regards,

Jamie Turner

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Back from cartoon limbo…

So, following a four year break from cartooning, I’ve been lulled out of retirement. Partly because the exciting office job that drew me away from drawing turned out to be, well, an office job. Partly because Twitter now exists, so people might actually see my work. Partly because I now have a computer that won’t freeze for ten minutes every time I try to draw a line. Mostly though, it’s thanks to the catastrophic attack of amnesia and stupidity that led the befuddled masses of Britain to elect Cameron’s army of salivating ghouls to parliament, allowing them to resume their campaign of victimising the weak and selling off the nation’s few remaining assets. I don’t expect to bring down the government with cartoons, but if I can make just one Tory or Lib Dem voter think to him or herself, “Yeah, what a fucking ridiculous arsehole I was to vote for these parasitic, privileged, self righteous, thieving, corrupt, chinless wraiths” then my work will be done.


If you are not one of the seven or eight people who saw my stuff last time I bothered doing anything, here are some examples of old cartoons:


From when Boris Johnson was actually elected to be in charge of a proper capital city.



From when Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall did stuff to chickens.



From when the Olympics made everyone realise China existed.



From when Blair’s insanely delusional self regard brought on the terrifying speculation that he might end up being President of Europe.



From when lizard creatures invaded.

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